One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
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The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”