Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Seas the day!!!!
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus