When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years