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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.