At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Cats (2019)
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?