I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”