We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
is it earth
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.