the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
You Might Also Like
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say