Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My therapist after every session
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind