Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime