This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
You Might Also Like
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
they split up moments later
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…