Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral