I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”