Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
⛄️
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?