“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
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[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.