What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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tinder is all about the long game
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
guys I’m going home
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
A fake ID that makes you younger
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.