no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
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*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog