Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
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A short story about romance.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Just a reminder, folks:
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Cow it started Cow it’s going