Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.