Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Breaking news:
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap