Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
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What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
These work great until they don’t.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]