When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
ACED my prostate exam!
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN