My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Imma just leave this here…………
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”