Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.