the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
when revenge coincides with naptime
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming