Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
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Expectations vs. Reality
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I thought this was funny lol
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.