“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?