[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I am a gravy boat captain
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.