Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap