All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.