any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s