The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18