The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.