Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary