This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
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Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.