What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?