An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.