Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
m’lady
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
mechanics be like
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
good let them take over I have had enough
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.