You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”