I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
When can I start eating bats again.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it