[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet