[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
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When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played