“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
You Might Also Like
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”