I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?