Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”