Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Venn
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Who chose this font
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
christening a ship with an overripe banana
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.