Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.