I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?