*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
What kind of a cult is this?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.