Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.